I don’t think I’ve ever had a harder time writing a post as I have with this one. If you’ve been following along with us (even for a little while), you’ll know how much weight we give to ‘planning’ and mapping things out and making sure we stay on track with projects, blogging and life in general. You might also know that for the last three years, when it comes to our family life – things haven’t always gone according to said plan.
Well, as they say – Life’s what happens when you’re busy making plans…
Discerning blog followers likely have noticed a bit of a slow down in my posts and certainly a bit of slow down in my insane level DIYs. (If you haven’t noticed.. then… ummm… pay no attention to the man behind the curtain! All is as it always was. Slow down? What slow down?)
It’s not because I don’t love my projects and challenges. I do.
It’s not because I don’t still have plans to do them. I do. (In fact, we still have a ton more work to do in my studio space, our back yard deck, our master bathroom and our guest room.)
It’s because everything is as it should be. Things didn’t go according to plan – and that’s okay.
It’s because after years of agony, fear, grief, loss and guilt – life happened.
Dan and I are expecting a baby.
Those are the words I had never planned to write here. For the longest time, I just never believed it would be true. In fact, even all through the first twelve weeks of this pregnancy, I couldn’t believe it was true.
Sure, I was sick. I was nauseated. I was exhausted, I was bloated. But my history so vastly informed my thoughts and emotions, I couldn’t reconcile having a baby as my reality. Being pregnant after multiple losses is no joke. It can lead to severe depression (what’s in fact known as antenatal depression), and debilitating anxiety. And in my case, it did. I went almost three weeks, without leaving the house – the only exception being to drive to and from my job, where I sit at a desk all day.
Doctor’s orders were to stay off Google. NO GOOGLING – especially stats on pregnancy loss, fetal malformation, rare diseases. No Dr. Google. Man, that was hard. Thank goodness for best friends. I would frequently tap some of my besties and say “I’m feeling this way. Can someone Google and tell me if that’s normal?” And, being the strong, supportive friends they are, they’d either tell me ‘Shut up. You’re fine!’ or they’d Google and sift through the results and only give me the information I needed to know.
(Yes! It IS normal to develop eczema on your eye lids. Yes! It is totally normal for your legs to cramp and fall asleep… so many other weird pregnancy things.)
However until recently, I had trouble accepting this as my normal; accepting that the doctor wouldn’t walk into the exam room and tell me it’s all over; accepting that our due date wouldn’t just come and go like any other day; accepting that I’d made enough changes in my life to carry a pregnancy to term.
I’m not sure if my emotional and mental state was made worse by the fact that Dan and I kept very tight wraps on our news for a very long time. We didn’t even finish telling our entire family until about a week ago. We were each other’s rock through the rockiest of times. We convinced ourselves to dwell on possibility rather than the past. To engage with things we love, instead of reliving things we never want to dwell on again.
It was quite possibly the most difficult time we have endured together.
But we’ve made it through.
Yesterday, we had our 20-week ultrasound and little ‘Froggy’, as we’ve dubbed s/he, is happy as a wee clam in there swimming and singing and dancing along as Dan and I proudly prep our nest for the big arrival. I feel kicks and barrel rolls and hiccups.
Now, when I look at myself, I feel normal…and I’m fairly certain there have been a few moments where I’ve allowed happiness and joy to creep in.
We have decided to not find out the gender of the baby and we’re just going to revel in the beautiful unknown for the next 18 weeks or so (though, I have very strong feelings it’s a boy!)
So – what does this mean for the blog?
Well, you’re here because you’re followers of DIY Passion and I don’t expect much to change on this blog. I will still do projects and we will still share all the things with you that we always have.
BUT – there’s another SUPER exciting announcement for those of you who’d like to follow our pregnancy journey and read more about all things baby and baby stuff and chubby cuteness! I will be blogging all about that over at the Yummy Mummy Club starting TODAY with my first post! I’ve written the Pregnant Lady’s Guide to DIYs and I will be sharing other pregnancy and baby posts there on the regular. I’d love (if you’re interested) for you to follow me over there too!
Anyway, I just wanted to express my deepest love and thanks for all the support and kind words we have received from many of you throughout this journey. I know it’s far from over, but I want you to know the strength you have sent me means a lot to me and to Dan.
As well, for those of you enduring family and fertility struggles of your own – please know with all sincerity, that you have a friend and support in me. Forever and always. Because things don’t always go as planned… and we need friends to help pick us back up and remind us, that in the end, that’s okay.
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Hi! I’m Erin and I wrote this post!
I’m a former broadcast journalist turned DIY blogger; I love all things paint, and power tools. My husband and I work on DIY Passion to share our commitment to inspire others to see beauty in the every day. I love dogs, cats, Han Solo and pie – probably in that order. If you’d like to chat about working together, please get in touch and sign up for our email updates.
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